the moments

Many moments have passed and been taken for granted. Many moments have been silenced and taken over by loudness. Many moments mean something and nothing. Many a moment gets stuck and released. A moment is fickle. A moment lasts forever. Stop treading on my moment.

We are all smiles & aches

When we relish in what once was

Because it is easier

To linger in a moment

That is as long as a little death

And wait for a response

That is as empty as the air

While my insecurities

Within my chambered lips

Are invited to dance

By ribboned beats

And are sucked into a vacuum of

Carnal memories

Gliding through

Interrupted distractions

Like tangled fingers nestled in dreaded hair

And reopened wounds remold with a layer

Of what once was

When we dim down a song on repeat

That has lost its words

Amidst poisoned glasses that crash

On the dance floor

As hot breaths that grow cold

And sighs are stifled

In the backseat of a car

We begin to float away over the dull waves

Of a melodic sea

Desperate to hold onto that moment

With a loose grip

That is surely fading away.

shadows

Only in the shadows

Can our tongues become one

Just allow me

To devour my pride

And stop breathing

For a moment

Yet you paused in mid sentence

When the world favors us not

Then I expected something else

Always

To be said, to be done

To be scraped off my skin

But this vessel I’m stuck in

Heats up

Between our limbs

And my clothes dampen

From sweats of anger

But I can’t be dragged

I won’t be dragged

Until my clothes melt

De-fabricating

The one I once was

Loudly exposed

To you

As I wait

And wait to be

Out of the shadows

So maybe

We can become one

Again

red earth

Most of my life I have struggled with my duality, periodically conflicted with who I should reflect the most versus who I am most comfortable being for myself. I am questioned and judged and even teased by which facet do I feel I belong to the most; the Egyptian facet or the Indonesian facet, and then I am expected to project something else entirely to pleasure all around me instead of project who I became to be after mixing the two. It’s like a roller coaster ride bombard by the bipolar differences between the two cultures because one of them is historically self-loathing while the other is manically cheerful.

I’m still at that stage, still trying to figure this confusion out but slowly believing, and accepting, that I probably belong to neither.  Here’s a little something after visiting my mother’s land once again.

——-

Mine is a dual heart, dueling a heavy wear, to remain as one, to remain, is heavier to bear.

This red earth is visited, like many times before, with every embrace, my heart cracks, cracks through the core.

I wander and chew, and wander more amongst the flavors, a halo around my throat, I savor what I can savor.

The clouds blow heat and spice, glistens my eyes, yet not as blindly, than all those lies, all those lies.

If only I can explain, explain what goes coherently, I may not be so lost, translating loss between the three.

One more drag, a drag from a cloved cigarette, sweetens my lips, and perhaps my soul, perhaps it will win this bet.

I am exhausted, exalted beneath the yellow sands, un-dearly departed, undecided, around either demands.

on Jealousy

We all get jealous every now and then over trivial and major matters especially when we least expect it. It swells up inside like a sponge in a sewar and keeps the mind bloated with unnecessary thoughts. It is a basic human emotion that can elevate you or take you down to the pits. A state of mind that is usually frowned upon and hardly expressed except through actions that can end up painful and embarrassing. It can be so distracting that we miss out on very simple pleasures. Below is my poetic take on it.

Death is, tonight,

Awake by a sour tongue

Unresting a heart

That sleeps in glossy Pictures

When metal wings do fly

Silenced over cement skeletons

But the Pleasures of Men

Dismissing and distancing my Bones,

Because a jealous Fate

Conjured a missed Chance.

When substances are Kings

And Poison becomes the self

A War evoked within

Cures no Sickness in health

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