God, I miss You.

Do you miss me? Did you hear me scream the other day? Did you notice the tears streaming down my face as my vision, like my life, begins to gutter out? I know my issues are petty that is why I screamed your name in vain, I cried your name in pain, hoping you would relieve me, rekindle me and fight my demons with me. But I doubt you heard me. Why would you? You see, I am surrounded by doubt. There are so many people, “your people”, hating on you right now. You have become the epitome of doubt until it has become so contagious we have forgotten how to treat it. You have become the being to look away from because people have mastered the blind eye and the wicked heart to solely focus on parasitic greed and transient earthly pleasures . Generations upon generations have so much to say against you, and so many to kill for you. Can you see the hatred in the world; the corruption, the rape, the hypocrisies, the blood, so much blood; the perfect habitat for anger and fear and death where we are currently thriving? Through you, we have administered the perfect Molotov cocktail for the soul.

I believed in you once, not the way you wanted me to though, but in my individual way. I may still believe in you but having led myself astray I almost stopped believing in myself. I went down paths that have damaged my very core, blew my soul into ash. I learnt your ways once, I learnt to pray to you myself, I read your words and I walked in life feeling your presence above me somehow, protecting me, shielding me, faintly lighting my way. In the many things I did, good and bad, I felt you at the back of my mind, watching me, judging me and I wonder now if you are laughing or penciling down my sins one by one like the blinking cursor on my screen.

I wonder, I wonder how am I supposed to find you again. I really thought I had you once but there is just so much ugliness in us, so much vanity, lies and disappointment. I believed in you, the memories, the thoughts, the training I had on how to perceive you in my waking, worshiping life. I tried to believe in other things, other philosophies, to detach, to love myself but somehow I always found myself pulling back to you and hating myself even more. I find myself staying attached to you when what I prayed for the most is to be detached, from everything, everyone; for your mercy to flicker me out like a candle gently and allow me to be the smoke that fades out into nothingness once and for all. Forgotten, unknown. I lost you when I was coming down, was too distracted to find you when I was high and I still miss You.

 

Author: noramorta

For the first time after years of deliberation and procrastination, I move from the old fashioned pen and paper to display the consequences of my bad decisions, my inflated mixed emotions and my awkward findings on life.

5 thoughts on “God, I miss You.”

  1. This killed me with its power. It’s absolutely beautiful, Nora. So raw and so heartfelt. You know what? I think you’re one of the very unique voices that God probably really prefers to listen to! Because it’s so honest and so true.

    1. Arwety! Thank you for taking the time to read this and for your valuable feedback and never-ending support bgad! You always know how to lift my spirit ups.. I really really miss you btw, I miss you on a mountain and in a tent..

    1. Thank you so much Tammi for taking the time to read it, it was a new thing for me to write, I’m not one to be open about my spirituality or religiosity but it did feel right to lay it out there 🙂 I really appreciate the time you took to read it! Have a great day :))

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s